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Carry On

  It's been a while since I've hit the publish button. And that's okay.  But I feel like I have some things to say, and so here I am, writing a few lines- preparing to hit the publish button this time.  I haven't really talked about my mental health lately. But being open about it really is a healing thing. When I'm open with others, it literally opens my heart to the encouragement and support provided afterwards. Sure, some judge, but that is more rare. Sharing is worth the risk. Vulnerability is too.  I'm filled with overwhelming emotion, being reunited with my children. We've been mostly separated since February 2020 due to two factors: my mental health and the sale of our house in Lexington. Jed (my ex) and the children moved to San Antonio in February to have the help and support of his family, and I stayed behind to continue working with my psychiatrist to find the right medicine while prepping the house to be placed on the market. The goal was to mo

Ona is a Bar

Ona is a Bar
and life is unexpected.

Dimly lit, we only see as far as needed
in order to move forward.

Every other reality is left up to the imagination.

For me,
I lived in a very dim reality until recently.

I grew up wholeheartedly dedicated to Mormonism.
It wasn't easy, but I was loyal.

In 2015 I moved to Lexington Kentucky.
Married, with four children.

A very quiet, but friendly person.
Following every rule to a T, even in thought.

I was in control.
And it was slowly killing me.

In 2016 an infection spread to my brain,
deteriorating normal neural function.

I experienced in those grueling months what it meant to not have control. 
And every view and perception of myself burned to ash.

When I got my life and body back after treatment
and after slow healing,

I was reborn.

And I realized:

I have been given new life.
A second chance.

Is my old life what I still want?

No. No, it's not.

My relationship with my parents?
Change it. I'm no longer a child only wanting to please, but am now an adult wanting to take action.

My relationship with myself?
Change it. I'm no longer the last person I think about, but am now the person I care for.

My relationship with my husband?
Change it. I'm no longer an object to just meant to please and bend to his will, but am now an equal partner. He didn't want an equal partner, so I am having to say goodbye.

My relationship with my children?
Change it. I'm no longer giving strict expectation and standards, but am now giving grace and encouragement.

My relationship with my God?
Change it. I'm no longer not ever enough, but am now always good enough.
In Mormonism, He didn't want someone good enough, so I am having to say goodbye.

My relationship with my community?
Change it. I'm no longer hidden and tucked away, but am now showing up and putting myself to work.

All that change happened here in Lexington. Sealing this place in my heart forever.

And right now:
Is my life what I want?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Thank you for being here in my life with me.